Déjà vu. It hits me like a ton of bricks that we've been here before. The doctor is explaining the possibilities and the tests that they will run, but she's already intimately familiar with these buzzwords - tumor, chemo, PET scan, options. He asks her how she knows so much, and she bravely recounts her heartbreaking tale. I watch her break for a split second, but she quickly recovers, holding it together for the rest of us. Her composure is dizzying.
There isn't anything I can say. I've held her hand before and promised her that everything would be okay. And then it wasn't. So I just pray.
But anger lurks just below the surface. I try to hold it down, but I can't help wondering why God has led me through such a relatively unburdened life while sparing her so little. A person, even such a strong one, can only bear so much, and she has carried more than her fair share. To heap another unbearable load on her tiny back seems cruel.
At first just, "I Am." I concede that, yes, He Is. The whole world could crash around me, but He still Is.
Then He speaks: "I Am the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow." I remember how many times I've repeated those words to others, knowing the power in their truth. So I say the words to myself, clinging to them like a talisman. They begin to ring true.
And then I begin to hum a faithful tune. The words spring forth, and the faith creeps back in.
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
He is good, even in bad. I will praise Him, even when it hurts. When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say...
Blessed be Your name.
4 comments:
I know it's so hard, Ryan, and you are a wonderful best friend to her. I can't think of ANYONE else with such strong faith as yourself to be by her side again. Shawn and I have been on our knees, we discussed, wondered why, etc. I've been sending Lauren daily emails of encouraging words and scripture. I join you in prayer, my sister.
What a beautiful post even though I can see your pain as well. Cancer has invaded my family and I know how excruciating it can be!! My grandma was just diagnosed with rectal cancer!! You and your friend are in my prayers!!
Jen
Lisa, thank you so much - I know they're so appreciative of your prayers and thoughts right now.
And I'm definitely the lucky one - she's been such a loyal, wonderful friend to me all these years.
And I'm so sorry, Jen. I'll be in prayer for your family and grandmother - this cancer thing is just so horrible and baffling. Thank you so, so much for your prayers.
Ryan ,
your words are so kind it is so nice to have friends that are so real and trusted you kids have been through a lot together and I am thankful she has you ,someone with a real faithful spirit that trust gods guidance even when we don't like what we are dealing with . May God continue to bless us all xxoo's
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