Thoughts on nursing...

What's funny is that I never really intended to breastfeed.

When I was pregnant, I had heard about all of the benefits of breastfeeding from many well-meaning friends and family.  I had done the research and knew that it would be great for both Grace and I if I nursed her.

But honestly?  There was a part of me that just couldn't get over the ick factor.  The whole idea of using my body to feed my baby just seemed strange, and I knew that it would be too weird for me to get over.  So my plan was to "try" and breastfeed while in the hospital to appease the nurses (I had been warned that they'd be pretty pushy about it) and then transition to formula and bottles once we got home.

I never imagined that I'd become so attached to it.

From the first time I held Grace skin to skin, that oxytocin started flowing, and the nursing experience bonded me to her in a completely unexpected way.  It didn't feel strange at all.  In fact, it felt so, so natural and right.  As the days went on, I became convinced that I really wanted to give nursing a legitimate try.  No one was more shocked than I was, but I'm nothing if not flexible.  

(Lest you all think I'm breaking my rule against showing you inappropriate pictures, we were definitely not nursing here.  I'm just showing a lot of cleavage - ha. :))

I'd be lying if I told you that it wasn't incredibly painful.  My nipples were cracked and bleeding (even though I slathered on the lanolin like nobody's business), and the first minute or so of each nursing session kept my toes curled and usually drew a cry of pain.  But it was definitely bearable, and I knew that it would get easier.  So I met with three different lactation consultants at the hospital and one at Grace's pediatrician's office in attempt to learn how to feed her effectively.  We mastered the latch and the hold, and Grace was eating like a champ.

Well, that is, she was trying to eat like a champ. 

My milk didn't come in for six long days.  Before that, there was very little, if any, colostrum getting to her.  (I tried hand-expressing multiple times and got a whole lot of nothing.)  She dropped from 9 pounds to 7 pounds and 10 ounces in a matter of days, and I was panicked.  I knew that a certain amount of weight loss was normal, but she had lost over 15% of her birth weight, and her pediatrician was concerned enough to recommend that we offer her a 1-ounce bottle after each feeding. 

So we did so without hesitation.  As much as I had fallen in love with nursing and knew that offering a bottle so soon might compromise my ability to breastfeed, the mama bear in me took over, and I happily watched as she got full and happy after each bottle.  We had bought both Dr. Brown's and Tommee Tippee bottles, and she ate well from both, but the Dr. Brown's are supposed to help prevent fussiness and colic, so we mostly used them. 

After two days of supplementing (and still before my milk had come in), she stopped latching.  Girlfriend was smart enough to realize that bottles were way easier than nursing, and she had no interest in nursing.  I cried uncontrollably (yay, hormones!) at the thought that I had failed her.  It's silly, I know, but I was juar so disappointed.  (Which was pretty ironic considered how uninterested in nursing I had been before Grace was born.)

Micah's parents were over for dinner after almost a full day of Grace refusing to latch.  I was frustrated beyond belief and was THISCLOSE to giving up.  It was time for her to eat again, and I told Micah that I would try nursing one more time before we'd just switch over to bottles.  Lo and behold, the girl latched like a champ, and it appeared that my milk had finally come in!  From that point on, I stuck to Tommee Tippee bottles (which are supposed to be best for breastfed babies), and she went back and forth perfectly.

She begain gaining weight again, but my doctor recommended that we continued to supplement until she got back to her birth weight.  I agreed (again... the instinct to help her thrive overcame my concern that the bottles might compromise nursing) and did so until she got back up to 9 pounds.

After that, I was thrilled to put the bottles away and nurse exclusively.  We bought a nursing cover and another nursing bra and looked forward to providing breastmilk at least until I went back to work at 12 weeks. 

But my body had other plans.

From the moment I stopped giving her bottles, she went from being a happy and content baby to a fussy demon child.  I wasn't sure if she was just extra hungry because my body wasn't used to producing all of the milk she was demanding or if there was something I was eating that was upsetting her stomach.  Either way, we were both miserable.  I was feeding on demand around the clock and even throwing in extra pumping sessions to try and teach my body to make more milk but was consistently only getting 2 ounces per session.  And she was still crying all the time. 

After three days of constant fussing (and constant pumping!), I decided to try an experiment.  I picked up a can of Similac Sensitive formula (we had been using Enfamil's Gentlease for the supplements) and a bottle of gas drops and to feed her only formula for 24 hours (while continuing to pump to keep up my supply) to see if there was any change in her demeanor.  My experiment was flawed in that we were changing multiple variables (the substance of her food, the amount of food, and the addition of the gas drops), but I was desperate. 

The change was immediate.  Her crying essentially disappeared, and she slept better and longer than she ever had.  I cried tears of relief because she was back to being our sweet, happy baby.  But I was incredibly disappointed at the realization that nursing probably wasn't going to work for us.

Because as much as I had grown to enjoy nursing, I knew that the effort it would take to teach my body to create enough milk to satisfy my hungry girl would drive both of us crazy.  And since I had planned on switching to formula at three months anyway, it didn't seem worth it to put us both through days and days of misery to satisfy my desire to breastfeed, particularly given how much Miss Priss loves her bottles.

So after almost a month, we're throwing in the towel and switching to formula.  I'm totally at peace with our decision, as I know that formula has worked wonderfully for many bottle-fed babies that I know.  And, truth be told, I'm excited for the newfound flexibility - finally other people can help me feed her! (My dad, in particular, loves feeding bottles to babies, and it was awesome to watch him give Grace a bottle on Sunday.)  I will definitely miss nursing (which still feels strange to admit - I swear... that oxytocin is some powerful stuff!) but I'm glad to have gotten to nurse her for as long as I did, and I'll cherish those sweet moments forever.

Happy (Belated) Mother's Day...

Yesterday was an incredible day.  It was my first time celebrating Mother's Day as a mom, and Micah did a wonderful job making me feel special.  All day long he kept saying, "but it's your first Mother's Day as a mom... it has to be special!"  He's a keeper, that one.

Plus, we got to spend lots of time with family, which is always nice.

(me, Grace, and my sweet Momma.  I'm so, so lucky.)

But as I was snuggling my little pumpkin during the early morning feeding yesterday, I was reminded what a gift it is to be a mom.  And I know so many of you are struggling to get pregnant or are mommies to heavenly babies, and I just want you to know that I'm thinking of and praying for you.  God is in all things, big, and small, and I have faith in His ability to give each of you this incredible gift.

So I hope you all had a fabulous Mother's Day!  I'll check back in later this week to chat about our nursing adventures (which appear to be coming to an end) and to do Grace's one-month post.  Holy cow... how has it already been a month?  Crazy...

Thankful for... {newborn pictures, part one}

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Look at me, finally getting up a Thankful Thursdays post!  But I must admit... this is probably the easiest one I've ever done. :)

{I'm thankful} for our happy, healthy, beautiful and sweet little princess girl.  She is already the joy of our lives and I couldn't be more thankful for her.

I also wanted to share some of our newborn pictures, but because there are so many, I thought I'd split them up into two posts.  Here is the first half.  Enjoy!

What are you guys thankful for this week?  Link up and tell us!

Also linking up with black tag diaries, The Fontenot Four, First Day of my Life, kate says stuff, and a punk a pumpkin and a peanut.

All images courtesy of Lauren Ammerman of Lauren Ammerman Photography.

Grace's birth story...

At long last, here's the story of how our sweet little girl made her grand entrance. It was a beautiful and exhausting adventure (perhaps a foreshadowing of life to come? :)), and I don't want to forget a single, sweet moment. Ready?

Here we go... (and get comfy because it's long).

We were scheduled to be induced on Wednesday morning. After my last doctor's appointment on Tuesday, I still hadn't felt a single contraction, but I was 80% effaced, so my doctor didn't seen any reason for me to come in on Tuesday night. So after having gotten almost no sleep the night before, we woke up on Wednesday morning, got ready to go (you'd better believe I fixed my hair and did my makeup!), and loaded ours and Grace's bags in the car. It felt so weird leaving the house knowing that we'd be coming home with our daughter.

7:30 a.m. We picked up Jack in the Box on the way and got to the hospital a little after 7:30. When I went to check in at labor and delivery, I about had a heart attack: they didn't have me on the books for Wednesday. They had made a mistake and scheduled me for the day before. After a mini panic attack and a miserable and tear-filled 30-minute wait, they "squeezed me in" (whatever that means).

9:00 a.m. We got set up in the labor and delivery room and got started. After asking me about a billion questions, they started the IV and got the pitocin flowing around 9:00 a.m. At that point, I was still just dilated to a 1. My family started to arrive around that time (God bless them, they didn't realize they were in for a looong day). I don't remember when I felt my first contraction, but I remember that at first, they felt like menstrual cramps. At one point, I think I actually said, "this isn't so bad! Maybe next time I'll think about going without an epidural!" Ha. Silly me...

12:30 p.m. By this point, we were just waiting. My water still hadn't broken, and the contractions were still pretty sporadic.  We watched a whole lot of Friends. :)

1:15 p.m. A little while later, my doctor stopped by and broke my water. If you've never felt the sensation of your water breaking, it honestly feels like you've peed on yourself. So, so strange, but not painful. Unfortunately, they could tell that Miss Priss had had her first meconium bowel movement in utero, so that complicated things a bit. The NICU team would have to be in the delivery room to make sure that her lungs were okay. When my doctor checked me at that point, I was dilated to a 3-4.

2:30 p.m. After my water was broken, we continued to wait. The contractions began to get more intense and closer together and definitely more painful. At this point, I went ahead and asked for the epidural. I had let myself feel several pretty strong contractions at that point and was satisfied that I had felt more than enough pain to have "experienced" labor. Again... silly me. I had no idea what was waiting for me.

Getting the epidural wasn't at all what I expected. They gave me a numbing shot beforehand that stung for a second, but after that, I didn't feel anything. I had seen the scary videos of the enormous needle and was dreading it, but it was really nothing at all.

After the epidural kicked in, however, I got incredibly weak, and my blood pressure shot up. I'm honestly not sure why, but that epidural and I did not get along. I absolutely couldn't stand the feeling of being numb from the waist down. I can't really describe it, but I don't think I've been more uncomfortable in my entire life. I also began to feel nauseated. They kept me full of anti-nausea medication, though, which helped a lot.

4:00 p.m. My doctor stopped by to check me, and I was still just at a 4. They had difficulty regulating the Pitocin because, if they gave me too little, my contractions would become irregular and weak, but if they gave me too much, they'd remain fairly weak but get too close together and stress Grace out.

For the rest of the afternoon, we continued to wait for me to dilate.  All the nurses called my room the party room because it stayed full the entire day. My family would rotate in and out, but there were always at least four or five people in at a time. I wouldn't have had it any other way. :)

6:30 p.m.  This time after my doctor checked me, she announced that I was at a 10! We were ready to start pushing. I can't explain what a jumbled mess of emotions I was at this point. I was so, so ready to meet Grace, but for some reason, I was incredibly afraid of pushing. The entire pregnancy, I had been afraid of this part, and that it was finally time to face the music was just a lot to take in. As he had done throughout the entire day, Micah held my hand and made me feel safe and strong. So after kicking out everyone but the pushing crew (Micah, my mom, Micah's mom, and my best friend Lauren, who took these incredible pictures), we got started.

I can honestly say the next two hours were some of the most tiring of my life. At first, the pushing seemed to be going well. For the first 20 minutes, she was moving, and my doctor didn't think I'd have to push more than 20 or so more minutes. But at some point, she just stopped making progress. My contractions weren't very strong, so I wasn't getting any help from my body. And I was so numb that it was difficult to know where to push, but I felt confident that I was pushing as hard as I possibly could. (And for the record, the pushing itself was totally painless. It was utterly exhausting but not what I expected at all.) After I had pushed for about an hour and a half, my doctor suggested the other thing I had feared: she wanted to turn my epidural down. She thought that I might be able to push more effectively if I could feel more pressure. I really, really didn't want to, but I really wasn't ready to give up on a vaginal delivery yet, so I agreed.

From the time they turned down the epidural, I pushed for about 30 more minutes. They had turned it about 1/3 of the way down, so I really started to feel the contractions and the pressure. I knew at that point that I was pushing against the pressure as hard as I possibly could, but she still wasn't budging at all.

8:30 p.m.  I finally looked at my doctor in between contractions and burst into tears. I knew I was giving as much as I possibly could, but I couldn't keep going for much longer. When I asked her what she thought, she told me that it wasn't unreasonable to be thinking about a c-section given that my contractions weren't really moving Grace along at all and the Pitocin still remained difficult to regulate. She told me that it'd likely be another two hours of pushing to bring Grace into the world through a vaginal delivery and that it was probable that I'd push and push and still end up having to have a c-section anyway. I looked at Micah and knew that it was time to throw in the towel. For some reason, I had predicted this outcome (a long delivery, several hours of pushing, and a c-section) and was oddly at peace with it. I think I was just ready to meet our sweet girl, and I didn't have another ounce of energy left to push with.

So they started preparing us (and the operating room) for surgery.  The epidural was still turned down at that point, and the pain became unbearable.  I had resisted the urge to drop an f-bomb the entire labor, but I remember letting one fly when I yelled at the top of my lungs quietly explained that I was ready for them to turn it back up.  (And, for the record, the doctors and nurses were all out of the room at that point.)

They got us back to the OR and quickly got to work.  The moment that blessed anesthesiologist pumped me full of the good stuff again, I wanted to cry tears of joy.  There was absolutely no pain and not nearly as much pressure as I had anticipated.  But I could feel them tugging and pulling and working away.  I held Micah's hand and prayed over and over for a healthy baby.

11:35 p.m.  And then suddenly, I heard the most precious cry and burst into tears.

Our Grace had arrived.

She was 9 pounds even and 19 and a half inches.

At that point, Micah got up to go be with Grace as the nurses measured and cleaned her.

And then Daddy got to hold his little girl for the first time.

Grace was absolutely perfect.  Her lungs were clear, so the NICU team wasn't needed. 

But at that point, things got a little scary for me.  My uterus had torn in two places, and my doctor was having trouble stopping the bleeding.  I remember looking at Micah's face and seeing sheer panic.  And my doctor, who is usually very calm and relaxed, sounded more anxious than I've ever heard.  But I had lost a lot of blood, so I was in and out of consciousness, and the gravity of the situation wasn't really hitting me.  All I could do was reach out and touch her sweet little feet as Micah held her.

Thankfully, they finally got the bleeding under control and got me all put back together.  And then I got to hold our little angel.

I will never, ever be able to describe the wonder and joy I felt holding her for the first time.  For nine months I had imagined what it would be like, but I could never have guessed how much I'd love her.  And how much I'd love Micah for loving us both.

She was incredible.  She is incredible.

Fourteen hours of labor, two hours of pushing, and a scary surgery... and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat to bring her into this world.

Our little family of three was finally complete.

All photos were taken by Lauren Ammerman of Lauren Ammerman Photography.

Another update...

I promise I plan on posting more than once a week!  It's just that (1) I'm just now figuring out how best to utilize the time between feedings (I swear, I feel like my life is now measured out in three-hour increments...) and (2) not much has been going on around here.  But I did want to stop in and say hello anyway because I miss you guys!

Grace is growing and changing every day!  I feel like she already looks so different from the chubby-cheeked girl we brought home from the hospital.

Sometimes I just sit and stare at her in awe.  It's still so amazing that she's ours.  This love is so utterly consuming, and I am absolutely loving being a mom.

Let's see... what's new?  She's doing much, much better at night!  She's had a few four-hour stretches of sleep, and she's definitely better at going back to sleep after feedings.  So I'm usually getting a good two-hour stretch of sleep between each feeding, and at least an hour-long nap while she sleeps during the day.  She's nursing well, and as of last Thursday she was back up to 8 pounds, 8 ounces.  So I am slowly weaning her off the formula supplements.  I'm still struggling with the inflexibility of nursing, but hopefully we'll make it to 12 weeks when I go back to work.  We'll see... :)

(silly girl... :))

Also, we had her newborn pictures taken last weekend, and I should be getting them back (along with the labor and delivery images) at the end of this week.  I can't wait to see them and show them to you.  Just looking at the back of Lauren's camera during the newborn shoot brought me to tears a time or two. 

The hard part now is trying to get back into the swing of things.  I've been so wrapped up in caring for Grace that cooking dinner is a distant memory and I'm not even sure I remember how to do laundry. :)  We have ventured out eat a few times, which was so nice (and Grace did incredibly - either slept or stayed awake and quiet the entire time!).  And I'm cleared to drive now, so I'm hoping to make a trip to Target and test out our stroller sometime this week.

Because I know this time of getting to stay home with her is short, I'm just trying to soak it all up.

She's so darned sweet and snuggly it's not even funny.

I promise I'll be back to "regular" posting relatively soon.  Until then, be looking out for Grace's birth story and her newborn pictures. :)